A Blog By Any Other Name…

It has bothered me that I’ve not been able to find any other bipolar bloggers online. Well, I’ve found a couple corporate paid ones, but that’s not what I’m looking for. I wanted to find ‘normal’ folks like me to share and comment and whatnot with, so I decided to spend 10 bucks last night to register www.bipolarbloggernetwork.com. I’ve got some ideas for it (like finding/listing good resources for people stateside who cannot afford treatment//support organizations by country//etc), but for the moment, it’s mainly me and an idea. I do have -a- friend who has been thinking of taking up blogging about his/her bipolar again, so that’s another most welcome person, and hopefully others will follow suit. It’s not like people have to say who they actually are, or write scholarly things – it’s just about trying to build a place where people feel they have a voice that matters, and that by helping themselves, they are helping others. And y’know, maybe helping those who do not suffer to understand the depths of what we put up with every day to fit into their world.

Having said that, if anyone has a bipolar blog they would like to be listed, or know someone who might be interested in helping out somehow, send them my way! *points at contact form over on the left*

I had thought about making it more inclusive, but as a friend pointed out to me – bipolar is a wide enough chunk of the mental health spectrum as-is. It is absolutely not discounting the hard times anyone else with a mental or physical issue might have; it is merely about trying to help build a tiny island of stability and sharing in an area that is traditionally INSANELY isolated. I am, at current, the only one of my friends that I know that openly admits that they have bipolar. That is because I have been hurting for so much of my life for not knowing and for being treated as ‘crazy’ for having feelings that frankly? Take a swing, buddy – it’s not going to work anymore.

So yeah, we’ll see how that goes. For now, back to work trying to get something basic up.

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Allo, dear reading people!

Alas, I continue to have a dearth of insightful interesting things to share – so it goes. For the moment, I’m just sort of in waiting mode. I’m waiting for the little get together I’m throwing next weekend, I’m waiting to find out what’s going on with my body, I’m waiting to talk to accountant folk about tax-y things. I don’t mind the waiting; as I’ve said before in recent days, my anxiety is low enough that I am fairly peaceful about all of this. Which, of course, I continue to celebrate and revel in because I should. It’s a reward for making progress on not feeding the troll in my head that wants me to fixate and freak out about Things™®. Granted, I must concede that this continues to remain fairly easy because I’m in this crazy golden period of stability, but hey – one has to be able to conquer the ‘bad’ things at full strength before one is more confident about going in fists swinging when mentally undermanned. There’s nothing wrong with recognizing our victories; even if others cannot understand why because they are mentally fit, we deserve to pat ourselves on the back for our victories as they improve our lives. We’ll be fighting these battles for the rest of our lives, so we emphatically need to celebrate when we manage to hold the high ground.

So I will – and it’s pretty darn nice up here above the normal scrum that is the ‘workings’ of my poor mental state.

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[[radio edit]] Oh man, how did I miss this?!

The month of May is Mental Health Awareness day, and Your Mind Your Body is/was hosting a blog party. Man, I’ve seriously been trying to find a good place to see other mental health bloggers, so it’s nice to discover this (and only two days late at that!). Even if I’m late to the party, I’m quite happy to slap on the image and a link because having access to other bloggers and their thoughts is kind of important in the battle for better mental health. While non-ill can and do manage credible love and support, they cannot truly understand the battle that we’re waging in our head. So y’know, click through those who have been taking part, see if you see anything new and interesting, and y’know… expand your mind regardless. I will be bookmarking it and picking through it later when I have more time, ’cause if there’s one thing I really need, it is to find new people to read and relate to (and, I guess, to ‘network’ with… whatever that really means xD).

Today, I am reflecting on the miracle that is calm stability. Of being able to look at confusing things without having a complete meltdown on the spot, of being able to push past boundaries that were once like brick walls. Today’s victory is over trying to understand tax code. One of my fellow ex-pat friends mentioned the Foreign Account Tax Compliance Act (wiki//IRS), and I’ve managed to look at tax stuff both late night and today without ending up a puddle of jelly. You see, as an American citizen, I’m supposed to file taxes every year. I have been lax because:

A.  I do not make enough money to owe the US, and
B.  I couldn’t figure out what category I needed to file as without bursting into tears

Now, I’m not a stupid girl, but American tax code is needlessly complicated as compared to UK tax code (where everybody files individually!). When Googling last night to find the right category, I found a lot of hits because nobody knew how to file correctly (for those of us living abroad married to non-American citizens, it’s ‘Married filing singly’, NRA). Add in the fact I’ve not seen a useful e-file for filing from abroad until this year, and is it any wonder my poor head was caving in? And to prove that I don’t make enough to owe two countries taxes (!!!) requires extra forms and… well. Yes, explosions in the mental sky. How dumb is it that one has to file taxes on non-American income to prove America that they don’t deserve a slice? Pretty dumb, but this is also a country that (per wiki) is willing to spend upwards of 10 billion to get 800 million in taxes. And people wonder why the government never seems to have money to take care of its citizenry…

So yeah, I’ve got some back tax stuff to figure out, because I do believe in doing my duty as an American (and y’know, wanting to hold on to both of my citizenships). But I can celebrate that I am stable enough, calm enough that this isn’t rendering me catatonic. Once again, I’m not stupid, but when my default state was fight or flight, it doesn’t really leave a lot of room for taking a deep breath. The fact I CAN take that deep breath and make myself slooowly read through things is such an amazing thing to me, and that’s why I take this moment to celebrate and revere that faculty while it is available. Oh sure, I won’t be able to hack through this without my amazing husband and calling the American Embassy for advice, but I wouldn’t be able to do either of these things if I weren’t feeling stable and calm. I won’t berate ‘normal’ people for taking this ability for granted, but I can hope that (if they read this), they can take a moment to reflect on the wonder of such a little thing, and how it makes their life that much better and happier.

Back to the grind!

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No time to talk – there’s monsters to slay! Yes, today is a Diablo 3 day. Providence schemed to let us be home today (had a workman coming in), so I’ve been enjoying playing. Oh sure, it’s a simple game with a simple formula of kill all the things, but you know what? Sometimes, that’s all you need; it’s a formula that works, so while change it? Too many games have gotten too crazy about looking nice and seem to forget that (re)playability is sort of vital to make a customer feel like they’ve gotten their money’s worth. Oh sure, there are people who are contented to be playing a movie, but that’s never been my style of gaming.

Anyhoos, back to enjoying my day!

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Today is Diablo III release day! Of course, I already have my copy, and I look forward to playing it later. You see, it’s more than just a game series for me – it’s a courtship. I was first introduced to Diablo II by a boyfriend during my military time (which resulted in me ‘borrowing’ his laptop for half a year), and was instantly hooked. I’ve played it off and on over the intervening years, and when my now-husband and I became an international item (with the plan already in place for me to get over here permanently), Diablo II was our way of spending quality time together on the daily. With such fond memories, how could we not want to continue playing a franchise which had already brought us so much joy?

So yeah, if I seem extra-thin on the ground here for the next week or two, you probably have an idea of why now. There’s monsters to kill, a world to explore, and about a million friends to chat with while I do it.

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Greetings and good morning, Internet!

Today is a foggy day in my head. Why? I couldn’t tell you. I like to think I could blame it on dream dust I’m still shaking off; my dreams were many layers of thick overlap, and that always leaves me feeling a bit drowsy. But it’s probably other factors too, like meds, like the weather, like hay fever, like… who knows what. It’s been growing in my mind the last couple of days, but like the mist before the dawn, it fades after some time (some days). It’s not an ideal mode of functioning, but at least it’s not as bad as the screw that was my endometrosis before my daughter. THAT started every day with trying to not vomit for the better/worse part of two hours; what’s a little fog compared to non-stop gagging?

For those who aren’t familiar with brain fog – be happy, ha ha. The concept is pretty much as it says on the tin – there is fog, but inside your own skull. Where you would have trouble seeing down the road and navigating through a thick fog, it’s much the same in the brain department. Your ability to cognate around and through is severely hampered and slowed. It is easy to get lost while trying to figure out your own pattern of thoughts, to watch them fragment and shatter before your very ‘eyes’. It’s frustrating, and can easily feed into anxiety and depression. Thankfully, today is the day of the week I’m girded with my trusty to-do list, so my mood stability is mainly preserved… for today.

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Today is Mother’s Day in the Americas; Mother’s Day (or Mothering Sunday) was in March over this side of the pond. And all I can think about is the family tradition of eating at El Fenix. I would always get a bowl of their fantastic Tortilla Soup, and split an entrée with a sibling. If you’ve never had Tortilla Soup, I highly suggest that you correct this:

The Naughty Things I Do for Chicken Tortilla Soup
http://www.food.com/recipe/the-naughty-things-i-do-for-chicken-tortilla-soup-173513

I will take a moment to express confusion as to why this recipe is for chicken tortilla soup; the soup at El Fenix meat free. But the addition of chicken doesn’t take away from the experience, so use it if you want to. The overall experience is incredibly tasty and pleasant, and if you’re anything like me, you’ll want to make it any time it crosses your mind.

Enjoy!

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Still amazingly stable in the mood department, though a large part of that might have been avoiding stimulus. Not that I’m balled up and avoiding the world, but rather, have done my best to keep myself in situations where things aren’t being loud or smelly near me. How I’m managing that as a parent, I don’t know, ha ha. Though having said that, the kid is much less of a bother than say… the cat, or her grandfather!

So for now, I’m going to take my good mood, and move awaaay from my little computer nest. Okay, I’m not planning on going that far; there’s a spot on the couch with my name on it. But that’s still something different, and to be acknowledged as such.

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My mind is delightfully blank today. If you’ve never had to deal with intrusive racing thoughts as a matter of course, then you probably cannot appreciate how significant this is. It’s one of those things that is useful for relaxation and meditation, and a big reason why I have never managed to get behind either. So on days like this, I can almost imagine what it is like to be able to un-hunch the shoulders, take a deep breath, and flop out without having to be sprawled on the floor or a bed. It’s nice, and makes mindfulness techniques and semi-forced mini-breaks more successful in bringing a bit of balance and serenity to a scarred psyche.

So yes, huzzah for feeling something akin to relaxed. It’s definitely worth celebrating.

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There’s not a lot of anything going on here today, and not much going on in my mind. I was amused by a discussion last night, though. I was talking about how I blog daily about bipolar to the gal who runs our Stitch ‘n Bitch, and how it’s so much easier to be openly Bipolar here. Oh sure, there’s still misunderstandings about what it means to be mentally unwell, but when we have the likes of Stephen Fry openly talking about his life with bipolar, it makes it easier for the average Brit to appreciate that we’re just as human as anyone else. That’s a nice thing, to feel free to be oneself even with the scruffy baggage that is a mental illness!

It also reminds me that I’m not going to have a fun time trying to share my diagnosis with my family state-side. I’m already the odd duck enough (I’m from my mother’s first marriage, and my (step)father’s sister’s children had no qualms rubbing that in my face all our lives), so adding that atop my so-called Satanism and lesbianism (’cause y’know, that’s what they decided I was) is going to be fuuuuuuun. There’s the off chance that it will be treated decently because my father’s mother’s new husband also has Bipolar… but I suspect that I would just invite more harassment and verbal/emotional assault.  I’m not even sure all my siblings know of my diagnosis, and I’m almost completely sure they are unaware of my suicide attempt a few months back because I don’t think any of them actually come around these parts. Which is… sort of a relief, I guess. I would like for them to know, but as the default modus operandi in our growing up home is that I’m not permitted to have feelings or emotions (or that any I have are wrong and need to be shoved away), it’s much healthier for me to operate outside of that frame of reference.

Otherwise, I’m just thinking about handedness. I’m left-handed, and defy all the stereotypes – I have lovely handwriting, no stutter, and can speak several languages to varying degrees of fluency. It amazed me to realize that left-handed people were ‘supposed’ to have such problems; after years in art school and years amongst linguists in the military, I found that the percentage of lefties was closer to 30% on those fields. I’ve never felt discriminated against because of my handedness, and find the concept rather unimaginable. I still laugh at the unusabI left-handed scissors, and the ‘fact’ that I should be completely unable to use normal scissors (Which I can. Left handed.), and roll my eyes at claims that we’re all doomed to being lost and confused because it’s a right-handed world.

And though it’s early days yet, it seems like my daughter is likely to follow in my footsteps, and those of her paternal grandfather. I do my best to encourage her to play with both hands (to include me attempting to play and doodle right-handed!), but she of her own accord has continued to express a left preference. She’s of an age where that might be her real preference, and that would excite me. I have hopes she’ll express an interest in the yarnly crafts, and well… no idea if I could teach crochet right-handed. I can barely chain two together because it is very awkward and straining on my hand to hold the yarn to tension. Though if she were right-handed, her grandmother and father could teach her the rudiments. Really, we don’t care which way it goes as long as she feels confident in her abilities to do things, ’cause that IS the main important thing.

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